Monday, May 1, 2006

Star Crossed Friendships

As Jennifer Garner once said, "we are responsible for our own happiness, if you’re unhappy, don’t blame others." As much as I want to retort, "That’s riiiight, Ms. Perfect. You are to say that phrase", Then I found out that this once ugly duckling was called ‘Liverlips’ during her younger years. That must’ve been awful. 

‘Going back to ‘Happy thoughts’, what if my own happiness for the time being is a person who makes me… well…happy? Which, due to unfortunate circumstances, I have to cut ties with in order to save both our sanities. … Would that make me happier?

The answer for me is a big fat NO. So what the hell is Garner talking about?

Yes, it has something to do with a failed relationship but sorry to disappoint you, it is not on a romantic plane. Funny thing is, it is just a friendship gone sour. I can’t believe I’m hearing myself… just a friendship. Can anyone say that a friendship is ‘just a friendship?’ When we say its just a friendship, do we leave it as merely-just that?
Okay, let me rehash my post, if anyone coins that a friendship is ‘just’, does that mean we do not put deeper meaning on friendships? That there are other matters more important to life like romance, career and family? But where do we put ‘friends’ in the shelves of our lives? Perhaps at the top corner gathering dust where we also placed our ’spirituality’.

I haven’t met anyone willing to throw away a good friendship-until now. (Am I talking about myself or the other person?- Hmmm, probably both. ) Like lovers, we oftentimes put a (treasured) friend (among the rest) on such a high pedestal that it shatters us once we realize that they are just a part of an impermanent world. Is it not right to value a friend that much since, based on the cliche’, ‘friends are gifts from God that we need to cherish’? Or maybe, just maybe, since God is a jealous God, that He would rather have us put Him on that podium rather than an imperfect who would one day disappoint us.

I mean, c’mon. I’m all for Jesus’ on forgiving 77×7 but how do you numb yourself to the idea that if you were slapped on the right cheek you give out your left, and then your right again, and then your left… Oh… I just answered my own question. Being slapped more than once makes you numb - but dumb no more.

How do you let go of something (or someone) you have valued and just let that person throw away everything you had to the ‘has been’ waste bin? … For a time, I know and I believed ( or maybe I hoped,) that I have been valued (mental telepathy aside between us). Will that person be another "been" in my life? Still, I can’t stop wondering if that muxe ( a complement-FYI) ever cared.

I have been plagued by this experience over and over and over again since college. Why do these things keep happening to me? Do I have a sign that says ‘Doormat-Wipe your dirt all over my face?’ I’ve lost a friend to money, I’ve lost a friend to an (ex) lover, I’ve lost a friend to a man, and now… How shall I put it- I will lose a friend to… ‘ a forgotten schedule that ballooned into mistrust years afterward which triggered competition over a game to which I have forfeited purportedly to avoid contest and having a difference of wavelength on the point of invites and being invited to a gathering of fools of which have escalated to disrespect by namecalling to another debotched mini-concert of which I have no control of to a misunderstanding over a dumb rumor I didn’t even start and last but not the least on being drunk at a beach party saying things I do not remember (and probably don’t mean as well) and having my favorite picture in the whole wide world deleted from the muxe’s camera (by the muxe) with my drunk video being shown to others a few days after the supposedly private incident without my knowledge until an accident of tales’-and that muxe isn’t even talking to me while they find my video very amusing. (Whew! that was long!)

How can I say that such friendship is deep and worth salvaging? When can I say that it ’s truly over? What does God have to say about all these!? Knock-knock! Hello? God, Are you there?
I never thought in my wildest of nightmares that such a person exist. The most crippling thought I have right now is that they will always be out there and that I must remain on my guard. To lock my heart and throw away the key hoping that the person who finds it is the right one to open it (and not some psychopath wearing a biker boot, reaping int out again and stomping it while the looney laughs and watches me bleed). And I’m just talking bout ‘friendship’ here. I wonder what a devastated marriage would do to me. ‘Lord, please spare me the agony’ 

The sting is as fresh as it is and as I lick my wounds, I think to myself that ten years from now, I’ll look back on this and imagine where that person would be. Hopefully not some light years away but still, it doesn’t change the fact that I felt betrayed. Or maybe I really was.

Will this be another one of those ’star-crossed friendships?’ Is there ever such a phrase? the kind that just passes you by. No longevity, no substance…(I guess now there is). Let not my fear become a reality.

Well, that’s just about everything…
(Signing off)


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